How to support your wife through perimenopause: 7 things that actually help

You’ve understood that your wife isn’t “just in a mood”, that something big is happening in her body. Good. Now comes the question every decent man asks: what can I do?

The honest answer: less than you think, and at the same time more. Less, because you can’t fix any of it. More, because the small things you do, or don’t do, make a difference every single day.

1. Stop handing out solutions

Men solve problems. That’s our strength, and right now it’s in your way. When she tells you she was awake again at three, she doesn’t want a sleep-hygiene tip. She wants someone to understand how grinding that is.

Before you answer, ask yourself: does she want a solution or a witness? Usually the second.

2. Take things off her plate without being asked

“Let me know if I can do anything” sounds helpful. In reality it gives her one more job: telling you what to do. Look for yourself. What’s piling up? What’s draining her? Take it over, without announcing it and without waiting for applause.

The biggest lever is almost always sleep. Take the early mornings, the children, the dog, breakfast. One extra hour of sleep changes her day more than any conversation.

3. Go with her to the GP, if she wants you there

Many women come back from the GP with “everything’s normal” while feeling dreadful. Part of the reason is that hormone levels swing a lot in perimenopause, so a single blood test often says little.

How you can help:

• Offer to note down for a few weeks what you notice: sleep, mood, exhaustion, her cycle. Only if she wants that.
• Help her write down her most important questions beforehand, so nothing gets lost in a ten-minute appointment.
• Go with her if she wants you there. Sit beside her, listen, and let her do the talking.
• If she isn’t taken seriously, asking for a second opinion or a menopause specialist is normal, not a drama.

4. Watch what you say

A few sentences do more damage in this phase than any row. “Is it your hormones again?” “Pull yourself together.” “You used to be different.” Even if you only think it, she’ll feel it.

What helps instead is remarkably simple: “I believe you.” “I’m here.” “What do you need right now?” Then actually listen to the answer.

5. Don’t take it personally, but don’t let yourself be flattened

When she snaps at you, it’s rarely about you. You’re just standing closest. That doesn’t mean you have to swallow everything. You can say that something hurt, calmly and later, not in the middle of the storm. Setting boundaries and standing by her aren’t opposites.

6. Look after yourself too

A man who does nothing but function for months eventually burns out himself. Find someone to talk to: a friend, a coach, a counsellor if need be. Move, sleep, and make sure you don’t quietly turn bitter. Something shifts in you during these years as well, and it deserves attention.

7. Know when it’s serious

If she says she can’t go on, withdraws completely, or you’re worried she might harm herself, don’t wait: call 999 in an emergency, NHS 111 for urgent advice, or Samaritans on 116 123, free and around the clock. The same goes for you if you’re at the end of your tether.

The whole thing in one sentence

You don’t have to rescue her. You have to stay, listen and make her everyday life lighter. That’s less heroic than it sounds, and exactly why so few men manage it.

Keep reading

• My wife’s perimenopause rage: what’s going on, and what actually helps
• Perimenopause: a survival guide for husbands
• All articles

And for her: if she’s carrying everything and no longer knows where she stands, show her the free self-check. Twelve questions, two minutes.

Jan Poulev is a coach and author. He has worked with people for more than thirty years, and for more than ten as a coach for women, men and couples. This article does not replace medical advice.